I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
