i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
