i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
