Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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