weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
