I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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