Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
