I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
