I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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