finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
