my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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