hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
