K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
