i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
