it was like eating out sand paper
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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