Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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