You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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