too bad you live with your parents still
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Randomize
