I wish I only lived at night.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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