You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
