My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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