i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
