dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
