moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
