There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
