i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
