i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
