I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
