I cannot find my penis.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
