he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
