No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
