I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize