I skipped work to stalk him.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
