I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
