my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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