I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
