i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
