I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
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