Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
