well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
