also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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