You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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