Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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