Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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