I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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