i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
