There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
