im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
