The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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