i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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