I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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