Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
