Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
