I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
