Cold hands, warm shart.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
