I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
