Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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