I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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