I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
