It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
