He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
