Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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