White coat. Heels.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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