i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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