we have officially lost it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize