Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
