My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
