I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
