my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
