I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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