She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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