just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
