I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
